Debauched, Depraved and Desperado Manoeuvre Gear
by Loaded Faint Of hearts
Summary: Eren stared at another piece of parchment, covered in his Corporals swirling cursives, tacked to the kitchen sideboard. He warily removed the poem from it's Cheddar gallows, signing. "If the Corporal is writing again, that means he and Commander Erwin are drinking." Eren wasn't concerned about their Casanova Commander, but Levi's poems were massing and becoming more redonkulous M/M


**Warnings: M/M, Language, Adult themes**

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**Summary:**

**"He does this all the time. It's one of his 'things'." **  
**Eren stared at Petra stunned.**  
**"He-ALL the time?" Hange then piped up, "Oh no, they only do it when they're drunk and it's only before a Military Court summons or a battle or scouting mission." **  
**Eren looked between the sweet woman and the eccentric soldier.**  
**"They drink together and-" **  
**"That's what we're saying Titan-Boy, they drink all the wine,tequila and champagne then Commander Erwin flirts and lays with anything that moves and the Corporal writes poetry and leaves it in bizarre places." **  
**Petra said while giving her usual calm smile while Hange hung around Eren's sore shoulders beaming. "**  
**It's not as bad as it sounds. Erwin is great in bed and some of the Corporals poems are brilliants...Some're downright frightening and some are quite hilarious!" **  
**In no parallel universe could Eren picture Erwin as a Casanova and his Corporal as a poet...Quite hilarious? Hange must have slipped past the charmingly odd milestone and unlocked the bat-shit-crazy-achievement!**

* * *

Eren was enjoying himself a shave. He pondered when exactly he had become in need of this manly ritual.  
14, no 15 years of age he was sure it'd started. Earlier than most his comrades though certainly not the first. He recalled that he and Bertolt were the same age though the taller could grow quite a lengthy shadow, when left to it's own cultivation, since they'd first met.

On any other day Eren might reward a hard days training by offering his inner child the chance to sculpt the hairs into something artistic or adventurous, even if temporary. He decided not to risk the Corporal walking in on an amusing half-done man-trim; certainly not today.  
The intimidating man had been in a mood, not one that could be described as a 'bad' mood per se but rather, a mood diligent to cleanliness. Jean had remarked Levi was resembling a Mother-in-law on her daughters wedding day; barking orders and acting as though the sky were falling. Connie provided a headless chicken, though Eren disagreed with that one, in no way was the Corporal running around in circles (rather he was striding in straight, even lines) nor was he gushing blood.  
Gushing blood would make a mess. Corporal Levi did not MAKE mess. He was the ungodly demon sent to destroy any and all mess which surely included tiny bits of would-be-beards on the porcelain sink.

He wiped away the hairs and rinsed them down the drain, assuming that Levi wouldn't check their for dirt, and lathered on the goats milk cream Hange had given him to prevent shaving rash. He smiled to himself at the exasperated stern look of unamusement Levi displayed at this act of kindness.  
The warrior could not believe that a Soldier under his command was so sensitive that he couldn't shave without young man pondered, while staring at his clean shaven face, how often the short, older man crossed his mind. He shrugged. It was normal to think of those you fight alongside and of those whom you respect.  
He spent a good deal of time thinking about Armin and Mikasa and well, so there wasn't anything strange about it. Although recently he'd been thinking about what kind of a person Corporal Levi really was; as in what was behind those vien freezing eyes, what he was like in his private quarter, what he dreamt of while he slept...If he did infact...Sleep?

Eren shrugged his shoulders at his reflection, there wasn't much point if thinking about such things. A man like Corporal Levi wouldn't show his true colours to anyone less than a trusted, respected comrade, and right now Eren was literally nothing more than dead weight to the man and his special ops.  
And a dog.  
A dead weight dog.  
And he smelt, apparently.  
He sniffed himself, inhaling the rosemary soap he'd borrowed from Armin, "This will please his nose." He nodded to himself and turned to leave the castles underground quarter's bathroom (seeing as he wasn't allowed any high than the second floor), and carried his effects with him. He reached for the closed (but not locked) oak door and noticed a piece of parchment with beautiful black inked words curling on it's corse body.  
He blinked and tried to focus his eyes better to decipher the elegant scrolling text. As the son of a Doctor he'd been educated well and knew how to read however the cursive handwriting, though luxurious, was very tight and permed. To read the parchments secret better he un-tacked it from the door's wood and brought it closer to the oil lamp above the (spotless) sink.

_Basement Bathroom_

_If fear consumes & erodes peace & innocence,_

_Become lover to Fear._

_Once laid by her ferocity, once held captive in her heart hollowed,_

_Has your peace evaporated blindy,in an instance._

_As for that innocent virginity, look how your eyes glass & tear,_

_Long since away has she raped it & swallowed,_

_So, Become lover to Fear. Stand close to her voluptuary,_

_As under a grand & brawny Hawthorne,_

_Silently watch, take note of the carnage & screams you hear,_

_Analyze then learn the horrors of the God forsakenly drained capillary._

Eren's mouth dried as he read through the haunting black ink marks.

_Become lover to Fear, become damned side by side, become the foresworn,_

_For only the hellion that endures Fear's molestation can hope,_

_To sow a fetus of Fear's own child in the womb of another's carefree heart._

_Fertilise that seed, secretly, with Fear it's Mother and you it's voodoo Father, adorn_

_Your child with power, sickness, immunity, decay and immortality in kaleidoscope,_

_Until you can bend the will & weaponize your Sweetheart._

_Levi_

Eren dropped the parchment and half watched it flitter to the tiled floor.  
"L-Levi?" He asked the quite porcelain next to him in disbelief. Why would his Corporals name adorn the end of such a...Disturbing piece of literature?  
Surely this was a joke, one of Oluo's attempts at imitating their Squad Leader no doubt- but, this kind of language and dark insight could not have come from such a light hearted man.

Eren hadn't known Oluo long but he knew that beneath the brash attitude and mouth Carla Yeager would surely soap out, he was a genuinely nice man with a positive look on life and optimistic goals. H  
e also held not only respect but mammoth admiration towards Corporal Levi. For a fan of the Corporal's to forge something like this would be unthinkable.

"Levi." He spoke the name a second time staring at the curling signature. He didn't recall ever seeing the man's handwriting and yet something so formal and lovely suit his superior well.

"Adorn, your child with power, sickness." He read aloud slowly, tasting bitterness at the back of his mouth. "Immunity, decay and immortality in kaleidoscope-"

"Yeager! You kinky bastard, finish yourself off! Other people need to use the loo!"

The young man's recital was suddenly broken by Hange's undeniable shrillish voice, one that not only sent chills up his spine in surprise but also set Church sized alarm bells off in his mind.

The squad Leaders voice sliced through the cracks of the bathroom door and assaulted his ears again: "Oh and while you're at it Buck, save some of that juice for me will ya? OOOOH how wonderful a Titan Nectar Amour sample would be!"

This time he did not only startled but convulsed with disturbia at the mental image of what might be behind that door.

_"WHAT?!_" He screamed at the oak; the wood being his only defense right now.

To his horror, a smallish feminine hand opened the door and a leather strapped leg entered the bathroom.

"Just smear it on me, I can collect it from there, Studd." The tone sounded helpful and pleasant at least; Oh hell.

"Hange, what is Maria's name are you- Are you asking me what i think you're asking me?" He produced in a higher than he would admit voice.

"I'm a Science enthusiast Eren, this is the least you can do for 's not like I would do anything vulgar like 'watch' you. Althooooough the mating habits of the Titans is one of the World's biggest mysteries. Hehehe, biggest-"

"The Least I can do?- H_ANGE!"_ His pride bruised at the crushing revelation though the current threat of lab-rat torture was too high to dwell on.

"Oi, freak. What the hell do you think you're doing?" Eren freezed his attempt to guard his productive organs with the scrubbing brush. That was the Corporal's voice!

His first thought was that his superior had come to rescue him. The second thought was So Help Him Spicy Fried Sausage, if the Corporal thought he was doing what Hange thought he was doing and if he thought that Eren was going to do what he thought he was doing in the manner in which Hange offered he do it. In short: Titan-Spunk on the Squad Leaders knee cap. He was going to taste his spinal cord, of that Eren Yeager was sure.

"Oh Levi, come here and help me!" _Annnd_ a certain brown haired perpetrator would soon know the flavor of their own spleen too. Comforting.

"And what would I gain from watching a dog take a shit, likely on itself?"

Eren cringed inwardly at the canine reference- Though a sudden lightening of concept conception flashed in his mind's eye. Something that had plagued the him since meeting the shorter in stature yet the tallest self righteousness enigma; Levi's inner thoughts, his unmasked soul, what did it look like and what how would an eye be training (or blessed) to look upon something so invaluable.  
Only those who are gathered near their Corporal as his most trusted ops-no, comrades are privileged. Even Hange, as strange and unbearable as they could be had been bestowed a higher shelf than dog. No, not bestowed, earned. Eren listen to the informal language the pony tailed researcher used with the Corporal:

_"Leeevi,_ I wouldn't get this excited if he were merely have a shit, Levi. I've already collect all his other Human function samples. THIS one is the Hail Mary!"

He bowed his head, jealously lining his tongue and swallowed it down with humility and resolve and he spoke his new dream aloud. "I will have his on me as a comrade."

"What is all fuckeries name are you-"

"His Titan-Mother-Load Corporal! I must have it!"

As soon as Eren's moment of resolve and serious plan paving function kicked in, it withered and died, horrified at the presumptuous (Perverse? Pedophilic?) researchers words.

"Hange," The Corporal's voice from beyond the oak sounded low and dangerous enough for Eren to shrink back against the far wall of the bathroom out of habit. " . .Door."

"Sir?" Hange's voice came to his ears lower and almost meek, without any of the usual flare or lunacy.

"Eren."

He hadn't been taking a shit before but-

"Eren, _Answer_ me."

"Corporal Levi, Sir?" He stuttered out.

"Are you, or are you not pleasuring that pathetic baby carrot prick of yours for the sake of Science in there?"

Carrot prick? "I do not have a carrot prick!" He puffed his cheeks out in indignantly. Speaking before thinking was one of his key charms.

"Answer me, Titan-Boy." The voice had raised ever so slightly but Eren (and Hange, he was sure) inwardly began drafting his epitar. 'Here lay Eren Yeager, slain in a water closet-'

"N-No I am not-" He searched for a less offensive word, "Fapping."

"Fa- What the hell is- You Brat. If I find yourself whoring your bodily fluids off to Shit-Glasses I swear on the _ENTIRETY_ of my cleaning supplies I will personally drain every drop of liquid from your body with a 5 millimeter _syringe!_"

On one hand, he was terrified, scared for his life and his liquified mortality.

On his second hand he was still paged on his dream of becoming the Corporal's comrade and was therefore trying to think of something to say that would not only save his soul but also earn him respect.  
On another level of the second hand, he vaguely wondered whether Levi would consider using something other than a syringe to extract that accursed liquid-No, wait, _what?_  
And then on the third random hand he was still quite insulted about being compared in girth to a baby carrot. He wasn't even a ginger. So he debated internally and came up with: "Your poetry is beautifully deranged, Corporal."

"..."

"..."

He was met with silence. In reality he hadn't planned far enough ahead to where there was a reply or consequence. This is why Mikasa never lets him go anywhere on his own. 'Here Lay Eren, he should have been supervised-'

"Yes. If you are not in your little dog kennel and asleep by the time the sun sets, like a good little child, I am doubling your training regime. Hange...Just...stop breathing."

And with that, Eren heard the clacking trail of his Corporal's lavish leather boots route from the bathroom door to yonder until the sound could not be heard. He hadn't moved not dared to breathe until he couldn't hear them anymore.

"hey Eren."

"Yeah Hange?"

_"I reeeeally need to use the bathroom now."_

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**Debauched, Depraved and Desperado Manoeuvre Gear**

**noun**

**Also see:**

**3D's Man'whoreing' Get Eren's Ass Ready**

**AN: All this poetry is my own. If you would like to use any of my poetry, please tell me.**  
**Whilst this fan fiction is my intellectual property, being published on the internet is as good as saying: here, take my art and my cred and my soul while you at it.**

**So if you wana use it (adapt it for your own poetry, or in another fiction or whatever) please just tell me. Just be like: hey that poem was a'right but ima add to it and make into my own. And that's kewl. Just a heads up is fine.**

**If i get one review I shall add at least one JeanxUnicorn scene in chapitar two.**

**Faint.**


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